


When I Think About My Future All I Think About Is You

by expiredlove



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BONCA awards, BONCAS, Couch Cuddles, Falling In Love, Family, First Meetings, Fluff, Forever Home, Friendship/Love, Future, Hidden Relationship, Kisses, Kissing, Love, M/M, Oneshot, Past, Phan - Freeform, Skype, Sleepy Cuddles, TATINOF, The Amazing Tour Is Not on Fire, Touring, YouTube, looking back, mentions of sex but no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 22:49:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11473281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expiredlove/pseuds/expiredlove
Summary: Dan looks back on their past and writes his favourite memories down for Phil to read. He talks about how he can't wait until their future together begins, but maybe it already has...





	When I Think About My Future All I Think About Is You

When I started watching YouTube videos back in 2007 and stumbled across an AmazingPhil video, I never thought you'd become my other half within less than 10 years. I remember how I'd watch your videos until the break of dawn. With red, tired eyes I'd post comments and I'd muffle my laughter, which AmazingPhil had caused, with the paws of the sweater I use to sleep in during cold nights. The next day, my mum would always lecture me. She'd tell me off for staying up late and being groggy and moody in the morning, but I would never listen to her. Something about watching your videos at night made it feel more personal, it made me feel like you were talking to me.

When I received my first reply from AmazingPhil back in 2009, and realised that you were actually talking to me, I got so excited. I might have even shed a tear when you tweeted me for the first time, but it was a happy tear, don't worry. I decided to try even harder to get noticed by you after it had happened once and it definitely worked, because on one fateful evening, you followed me. I tried to remain calm and be cool when we had a DM conversation for the first time and I think you saw straight through that act, but you decided you liked me anyway. We talked all day and even Skyped every once in a while. It was a dream, really. Still is, to be honest. What teenager gets to Skype and fall in love with their idol? I guess I'm one of the very few lucky ones. 

When you asked me to come over to meet you, I immediately said yes. I might've been a bit naive, to just agree to stay at a stranger's place for an entire weekend. But it didn't feel that way, it was different. You were different, because you weren't a stranger. You were AmazingPhil, Phil Lester, my best friend and secretly my crush as well, you weren't a stranger to me. Actually, it felt like the complete opposite. It felt like you knew me better than anyone else, because you did, even though we'd only known each other for a short period of time. 

When I was on my way to meet you, I was extremely nervous. My hands were shaking and my stomach was tied in knots. I get nervous very easily, you know that, but during that one particular train ride you weren't there to hold my trembling hands the way you usually do when I'm scared. Thankfully, you were just as nervous as I was. I still remember the shocked expression on your face when your pretty blue eyes met mine. I pushed my way through the overcrowded train station, until you were right in front of me. Strangely enough, we didn't run towards each other with open arms and bright smiles on our faces to embrace each other and spin around for a while like most people do in 'meeting my Internet best friend' videos on YouTube. We stood in front of each other and stared into each other's eyes for a while. I remember exactly how I felt in that moment. My hands were still trembling and my heart was pounding, but I felt so safe. I could see the disbelief in your eyes and when you whispered, "you're real", I finally fell into your arms and held you for a while. You smelled like strawberries. I think it was your shampoo, but from that moment on I started associating that smell with safety and love. With you. 

When we were lying in your bed that night, I felt happier than ever before. I'd found out you liked me back. After a day full of activities, I had kissed you on the Manchester Eye. I still remember what it felt like. You were a bit startled and didn't move at first, which really put me off, but when I was about to pull away, you wrapped your arms around my waist and pulled me closer. And a few hours later, we were at your house, lying in your bed. Cuddling with you had quickly become my favourite thing to do. Both of us are extremely tall, which makes cuddling a bit hard sometimes, but when our long limbs are tangled together and your thumb is rubbing soft circles on the palm of my hand, while your right hand is carefully placed on my hip, I remind myself that being tall isn't so bad after all if you find someone who's just as lanky as you. Fortunately I have you. We kissed and cuddled all weekend and things might've even got a bit steamy on our last evening together, but what else were we supposed to do? We had to make good use of the limited time we had together. Back in 2009, things were different. We were different. You and I, we tried to live in the moment. We had no other choice, because we never knew if the goodbyes we said before I left you at Manchester Piccadilly Station would be our last goodbyes. There were so many things that could mess our fragile relationship up, but they didn't. We always manage to make things work.

When I was on holiday with my family in India in february of 2010, I woke up to a text of you. I always wake up to you. Whether it's a text when we're apart or to the warmth of your body pressed up against mine, you're always the first thing that's on my mind in the morning. So that morning was no different. The text was a link to a YouTube video. This was something I was very used to, because you always wanted to know my opinion on your videos, but this video wasn't a normal AmazingPhil video. It wasn't even uploaded to that channel. After I'd watched it, tears were prickling in my eyes. You know I'm emotional, but back then I always tried to be in control of my emotions. I always refused to cry, but this time I couldn't hold back my tears. In that moment it hit me how much I meant to you. After I'd heard you sum up your favourite memories together and truly listened to how honest you sounded and how shy you looked in that video, I realised things were serious. I had your heart and it was my job to look after it. I decided that I didn't want to let you down, ever, because how could I ever upset someone like you? 

When I had to pick a university, it was obvious which one I was going to pick. I picked Manchester and I went through the trouble of moving across the country, all because of you. This was the best decision I've ever made, because now the distance was gone, our relationship wasn't that fragile anymore. Suddenly most of the external factors that could mess our relationship up, like my parents' opinions and the distance, were gone. We finally had a proper chance to be together. So it didn't come as a surprise when one of my roommates asked me why my bed hadn't been slept in for days. Everybody thought I was a bit weird already for talking to a camera in my room, but the fact that I spent almost all my time at my boyfriend's house instead of partying with my friends made it even worse. I didn't really care. 

When you asked me to move in with you, I immediately said yes. The first night I spent in our shared apartment together was a long one. Our sheets were all messed up and my body ached a bit from how rough you'd been, but that wasn't the reason why I couldn't sleep. Usually your soft snores calmed me down and helped me put my thoughts aside, but on that particular night I couldn't stop thinking. We were living together, we had our own apartment. Surely that meant something, right? It meant that we were going to be spending all our time together, and not just for a few days or weeks. I couldn't sleep, because I was thinking about my future, our future, together. 

When I broke down into tears the night before my law exam and you were standing in front of me with a sad look in your eyes, I didn't know how to feel. I felt angry at the world, at my friends who had been revising for days and who were surely going to pass their tests, but mostly at myself. I felt sad, tired, disappointed. I felt unloved, unhappy, unsure about my future. Since nobody else was around, I took all those feelings out on you. Thankfully you know me better than anyone and you knew exactly what to do to calm me down, which was to hold me close. You held me, pressed my body as close as possible against yours. My head was resting on your chest, soaking your t-shirt with tears. I sobbed and screamed for what felt like hours, but eventually when I'd calmed down a bit and was quiet apart from the soft whimpers I let out every once in a while, I could hear your heartbeat. I listened to it and I grabbed at your t-shirt. I rubbed my eyes with one of my fists and when I looked up, I saw confusion was written all over your face. I didn't say anything, but what calmed me down was the realization that despite the fact that my life was falling apart, it wasn't really. In the swirling, stormy sea that was my life back in 2011, you were a rock I could hold onto. You were there, always had been. My life might've been falling apart at that moment, but that didn't mean my future would be a disaster as well. I just had to look at things from a different perspective and with the helping hand you were offering me, I knew I would be able to get up again. That night we fell asleep the way we did on the first night we spent together, my back pressed up against your front, with one of your hands placed on my hip and your left hand was holding mine.

When my YouTube career started to take off and we got offered a job to work at BBC Radio 1, I felt happier than ever before. We went looking for apartments in London and you considered every option carefully. I admired that, still do now we're looking for a house. You knew exactly what you wanted and although our budget was limited, we managed to get a lovely apartment. It was a bit more expensive than we had planned, so we couldn't afford any furniture, but that didn't matter. I loved the way we simply sat down on the floor with our Chinese Takeaway and ate together while discussing where to hang our newly bought mirror. And I also loved to go shopping with you. One of my favourite memories with you is when we went to Ikea, because we had to buy dining room chairs, and I shamelessly tested all of the chairs there, much to your embarrassment. You were all flustered and blushy when you had to drag me out of the store after I got told off by one of the employees for putting my feet onto one of the couches. I personally thought it was pretty cute and funny when you scolded me.

When I was sat on our couch at home, my feet placed carefully on your lap, because you still didn't want me to put them on the couch, I was reading some of the comments on a Day In The Life video we'd posted a few nights prior. It stood out to me, because it mentioned how homey our apartment looked. I'd never really thought about it before, but when I looked around me and thought about the floor in the empty living room we used to sit in while eating our takeaway, and saw that our floor was currently scattered with DVD boxsets we'd bought together to watch while eating breakfast, I saw it too. The fact that we live in a house doesn't mean that it's a home as well. In my opinion, home is a feeling, and I definitely felt at home in this apartment. The shelves were filled with knick-knacks we'd collected over the years and I must admit that our house is the biggest nerd-cave there is, but it screams 'Dan and Phil', it screams 'us'. When I looked over at you and saw you were staring at the television while mindlessly rubbing my feet that were lying in your lap, I couldn't help but smile. This home was something we'd built together. It was ours. 

When we were hosting the BRIT awards together and Ed Sheeran started playing, I gave you a soft nudge. We'd been feeling a bit playful all day and we hadn't been on our usual monthly romantic date, so I suggested to do something fun. Usually, we were careful. We always thought twice before touching each other, and lingering stares and suggestive comments were carefully edited out of our videos. I'm glad we don't do that anymore. I poked your side again and raised my eyebrows, as if to ask you to dance with me. You looked a bit bothered and bit your lip. I wanted to kiss you so badly in that moment, but I didn't dare lean in. After another poke to your stomach, you finally gave in. "Only because you look so good in that suit," you'd whispered and took my hand to pull me up. We danced and you placed your hands on my waist, which is something I've always loved, and I looked into your eyes. You still looked a bit unsure, but when the chorus started playing and I mouthed the meaningful words to you, you smiled and stopped caring about our small audience of producers and camera operators. We danced and twirled without a care in the world until eventually one of our producers coughed softly, which caught our attention, because apparently we were already live again. Everybody had seen us dance and we both knew gifs and clips of it would be all over the Internet within a few minutes. That's exactly what happened. You were so worried and felt nervous and acted a bit distant after that happened, but when we got home that night and watched the clip back to see how bad it was, I convinced you that it was okay. Actually, it looked pretty cute and as we rewatched it one last time, I saw a small smile appear on your face. You saw it as well. We're cute. And in love.

When we saw our tourbus for the American leg of TATINOF for the first time, our jaws dropped. When we were standing in front of it, it looked gigantic, but when we opened the door of the vehicle and looked at where we'd be spending a few weeks, the bus wasn't that gigantic after all. There was only one bedroom and you jokingly claimed it, which our producers suggested we'd make a joke out of. Do you remember that? We had to fake an intense rock-paper-scissors session, with the master bedroom as prize. Our fans immediately knew it was bullshit and we got busted when they saw the 'Dan and Phil' sign on the bedroom door. I'm glad we changed the way we handle these kinds of situations, because I love to be able to be a bit more touchy with you. I just love to touch you and tease you. And even if I don't touch you, you can just tell how much I love you. Even I can see it when I rewatch our videos while editing them. Anyway, despite the fact that our tourbus bed was half the size of our new floating bed, I enjoyed sleeping there with you. It reminded me of your old bed, where we spent our first night together. It just gave me a feeling of nostalgia. And, the bed was so small, that it gave me an excuse to press my cold feet against your calves. You didn't like that very much, but you wrapped your arms around me anyway. God, I love when you do that.

When we got back from tour, there was a Dan and Phil radio silence for a while. I liked that. As much as I love the Internet and our fans, it's nice to be able to get away from everything for a while. I missed our apartment, still do sometimes. It was so full of souvenirs and stuff we'd collected over the years, it was good to finally be home again. Plus, I missed being able to kiss you whenever I want, in the privacy of our house. I think that was my least favourite thing about touring, we barely got any privacy and time to ourselves. Thankfully you were up for many hours of tired cuddles after our tour. Do you remember how sometimes we were too tired to even get up from our comfortable spot on the couch, we'd just fall asleep on the couch? I regretted that in the morning, but sometimes you woke me up with pancakes, a bowl of cereal, or morning sex (the last option was my favourite way of starting my day, of course) and then I'd forget all about my sore neck. That was a good week, I think we should go on holiday again soon. To just get away from the world and spend some quality time together. Maybe we should go back to Japan or Singapore.

When you called me up the stage at the BONCAs, I almost cried. I had to swallow the lump in my throat, because you really didn't have to do that. You'd been so nervous that you wouldn't win that award and I barely remember getting up and cheering you on when you won it. It just came so naturally to me. When they called your name, it was basically my instinct to cheer and clap and smile, because you deserved that award more than anyone else in that room. If I were the judge, I would have given you all the awards. I mean, you basically did win all of them, but I just hope you know how much you truly deserved them, you didn't just win them because of our huge audience. I felt really overwhelmed and my legs felt a bit wobbly when I got up on the stage. I tried to make a joke and when I realized that by making one of the jokes, I'd suggested that PJ should come up on the stage as well, I immediately corrected myself. I love PJ, but I would have hated if he got up on the stage. That was your moment. It was our moment. And I don't think I could have felt any more love or pride for you in that moment.

When you were editing the videos we had filmed for Gamingmas, you called my name and asked me to come to the office. I did and when I saw you sitting there with a focused expression on your face, headphones on and bopping your head to the beat of the song you were listening to, I couldn't help but stare at you for a little while before disturbing you. After a while you looked up and placed the headphones on the desk. You petted the seat next to you and I sat down. "Dan," you'd spoken in such a soft voice, "there are so many moments in these videos that could be seen as cute or coupley moments... We can't edit all of them out, can't we just leave them in? Especially after that baking video we posted a few months ago. Don't you think it's time for us to let it go and start acting more naturally in our videos? I think it is." I had nodded and silently agreed with you. On the inside, I was a lot less calm. We weren't going to censor or edit those moments out anymore, which meant that the 'phan proof' as some fans liked to call it would pile up. I thought about it for a while, but then I decided you were right. We couldn't hide forever and that wasn't even the plan in the first place, it just happened over the years. I took your hand, which was moving the mouse skillfully, and you looked up at me with a bright smile. Our eyes met and when I noticed the slight sparkle in your eyes, I leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. I love you so much. 

When we uploaded our 'We're Moving Out' video, we were already sitting on our new couch in our new apartment. Unfortunately things didn't go as planned and we couldn't buy the house we wanted to buy, but your suggestion to get a Duplex apartment was a good one. We both know that it won't be long until we're off to our new house with the corgi you so desperately want, but that's fine. I like this house. As much as I liked our old apartment, it was too small. We'd collected too much stuff and I got so sick of having to match our interior with our brandings and channels. I like our new bedroom. It's so beautiful and it's very nice to have a place that represents 2017 us. I think your solution to have an entire storey of our apartment dedicated to our videos and YouTube channels was a good one, because we finally got to decorate our house the way we wanted to. It truly is our bedroom now instead of 'the AmazingPhil' bedroom. We immediately defiled our new bedroom when we moved in, but that's fine. After all these months we're finally done with unpacking. We'll have to start packing again soon though.

When I saw a compilation someone had made on Twitter, I couldn't help but smile. It was of all the times you playfully hit me in the past few gaming videos. Let's just say that the video is multiple minutes long. I've always known this is a thing you do, but the world didn't know. I like the fact that you're comfortable enough to show your love and affection for me on camera now. It makes me happy. Everybody always talks about how obvious it is that I love you and there are so many videos and edits on the Internet of me staring at you, it makes me happy to see some of these edits are about you now. It assures me that I'm not the only one who's seeing this. You really do love me as much as I think you do, maybe even more than that. 

When I had to travel all the way to the Bahamas to join the annual Lester Holiday, I did. It gave me a hell lot of anxiety, but I must admit that it was worth it. Our fans say I'm a Lester now and I guess that's true. For the most part. Personally, I like to think that I'm more than that. We're more than that. You might be a Lester and I might be considered a Lester as well, but I think we're a family of two as well. Just you and me, Dan and Phil. We don't need surnames to define our relationship.

When I think about my future, all I think about is you. I guess it's been that way for a while now. Our lives are so intertwined that there's no way we're ever splitting up, professionally or romantically. Not that I could ever fall out of love with you. You continue to make me happy every single day and to this day I still feel the way I did when we first met: safe. We'll be moving again soon, to a forever home, as I jokingly called it a few months ago. Well, maybe I wasn't even joking. I want to spend forever with you and I truly believe that will happen. I can't wait until our future together begins, or maybe it already has.


End file.
